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"The Parent Trap"

Parent involvement in youth soccer is like the old adage, "Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em." Maybe it's just a matter of trust.

Hey WSW Readers!

It's a semi-final game of the State Cup and the players are preparing for a shoot-out to determine the winner. As the goalkeeper approaches the net, parents begin shouting last-minute instructions from the sidelines. Nervous, the goalie turns to the parents and sternly tells them, "Leave me alone! I'm scared."

During a hard fought game in another state semi-final match, a parent continues to yell instructions to his daughter and loudly questions the referees' calls. She looks at her dad and tells him to "Shut up!"

A mother of an Under-8 girls' team calls the person in charge of uniforms at 2 AM to complain that the color of the uniforms does not match properly. She cannot believe that whoever selected the uniforms did not know anything about STYLE.

Do these situations sound familiar? Enthusiastic parents with the best of intentions are involving themselves in youth soccer. Without proper direction, guidelines, and rules in place, their energies are often misdirected, causing negative experiences for their own child as well as other players, coaches, referees, and volunteers.

Omar Camargo, who has been a coach and trainer in the Houston area for 14 years, a South Texas Girls' ODP coach for 8 years and a Soccer Dad, readily admits that he first became involved in youth soccer "because I thought I had all the answers." He remembers his own mistakes as a soccer parent. "There was a time when I ran up and down the sidelines yelling at the kids and telling them what to do.... when I yelled at the referee for making stupid calls. There was a time when I did not let my own son go to another club, because I did not like the coach."

Camargo realized he was "out of synch" after attending coaching clinics and conventions, but the greatest insight came from his own players. "I have learned more from my players about how to be a father than from any other source. Parents don't know how many times I've heard the kids say that their father or mother is a "jerk." Parents need to understand that players hate parental involvement when it is much more than driving to and from games and practices. They want your support. They want you to enjoy the game."

"I think that most parents mean well and work hard. They are the ones who make phone calls, spend time out in the sun taking registrations, cutting the grass before the game, and organizing tournaments. Thanks to the parents we have organized clubs, fields to play on, etc. But parents need their role clearly defined," Camargo asserts. "Soccer is about the kids."

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Parents do:
  1. *Give positive encouragement to ALL players.
  2. *Keep contact with coaches to a minimum. Let the PLAYERS communicate with coaches.
  3. *Volunteer for support activities like bringing drinks, laundering uniforms at tournaments or field maintenance.
  4. *Enjoy the games.
  5. *Show appreciation for board members, referees, coaches and other volunteers.
  6. *Listen to your child without comment or judgement. If action is required, let them have the opportunity to initiate solutions.
  7. *Give your child a hug and smile after each game and practice.
Parents don't:
  1. *Coach your kid from the sidelines or "jump on them" to and from games and practice.
  2. *Undermine the coach or other players and parents with your child or through gossip.
  3. *Talk to coaches/trainers during practices and games.
  4. *Get close when the coach is talking to players at half time and post game.
  5. *Shout at or insult referees. Leave problems with officiating to the coach.
Coaches--provide parents and players with:
  1. *Your coaching philosophy.
  2. *A complete list of support activities. Let everyone play an active role.
  3. *Conflict resolution guidelines.
  4. *Rules (complete with penalties) regarding behavior, sportsmanship, attendance at practice, etc.
  5. *Advice/support on dealing with the life skills that the game provides.
  6. *Contact persons for travel arrangements, uniforms, financial information, game schedules, etc.

Practice is for the kids

Setting limits for parents begins at practice. As a player, I have spent many combined hours juggling a ball, waiting for practice to begin or resume, as a parent uses practice time to talk with the coach. Camargo feels, "The kids are the ones who wear the uniform and are the ones who should get my undivided attention."

Practices should not resemble games with parents in lawn chairs along the sidelines. Practice is a time for kids to make their own decisions without crowd approval or disapproval and without parental pressure. Practice is about trust...learning to rely on teammates and the coach to support you and learning how to communicate and make adjustments when that support breaks down. To build this foundation, Camargo lets his players and parents know that what happens at practice stays on the field. "Lack of discipline or effort at practice is a problem between me and the player." Just as he does not go to parents for help to control the kids, he expects "PLAYERS, not parents, to communicate questions or areas of concern."

If parents want an active role at practice, they should shag balls, refill water bottles, and help organize team activities/communication with the team manager. Parents should avoid cliquing off and gossiping in small groups or talking so loud that it draws attention away from practice.

The game is for the kids

"If the parents want to be involved at the game level, then they should join the over 30 league," Camargo quips. "Do not coach your kid from the sideline. It blows my mind to hear a person who has never scored a goal in his/her life tell a player when to shoot. I let players and parents know that the players are the ones who shall make the decisions of what to do with the ball."

When parents start coaching the game from the sidelines, it shows a lack of support and trust for the coach, their child and the other players. The foundation built at practice will begin to crumble as soon as just one player begins to follow the parent's instructions instead of the team's game plan. Team unity is affected both on and off the field.

"This," says Camargo, "is The Parent Trap. We do not trust others. We do not believe that others also help our kids, and we do not show faith and support to kids when we do not allow them to make their own decisions on the field and work out their own problems as players and teammates. We take away the most important thing soccer gives kids...life skills. A chance to work with others toward a common goal, make decisions and experience the consequences, celebrate success, and survive failures---learning from them and then moving on."

Many coaches are enforcing team rules against excessive parental interference by suspending or expelling the player from the team. It is the only penalty that seems to deter this behavior. Camargo knows of a coach who recently let a girl go because her parents' attitude was so negative that other players/parents resented it. The daughter was listening more to them than to the coach. "Parents undermining other players is also very common in ODP and travel teams," says Camargo. "What many of them do not realize is that I just don't listen."

"Be sensitive to the pressure that most players feel," Camargo advises. "Your POSITIVE ENCOURAGEMENT toward ALL players is appreciated. Cheer and jump up and down during games. See, I believe in kids. Most of the time the kids can give you the solution. I believe that they have a brain and can use it. I believe they want what is best for them."

Playing time

Probably the most common parental complaint is about playing time. Camargo provides these guidelines. "Coaches should play everybody fairly. I believe that if I placed a kid on my team and the kid is not that good, it is my problem. That player deserves fair playing time. By fair, I mean 50% or more on recreational and Div. II (or B) soccer and as close as 50% as possible for Div. I (or A) play. Parents have the right to complain when less than 50% is given to recreational and Div. II players."

The Coach can make the difference

Coaches need to keep in mind that parents and players need clear and consistent leadership. Don't make them guess your boundaries (see list for coaches); let them know your expectations in writing. Differentiate between talking to parents about coaching decisions (don't) and talking to parents about helping their child positively deal with coaching decisions (do). Good communication is the beginning of trust and a team's best game plan to avoid "the Parent Trap."

Shasta

© Women's Soccer World July/August 1998

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